While throwing yourselves to the lions (boot camp or officer training school), you quickly learn that you cannot expect anyone to give you an answer, no matter how simple the answer may need to be.

I learned this the hard way while in boot camp many years ago, and quickly forgot it, as I became a “nasty” civilian again. The military teaches you a new language, and unless you’re fluent in it, you may not understand your newly minted service member.

Along with these new words and form of speaking that many people will never understand outside of the workplace or immediate friends, you learn that you must take responsibility for yourself. Don’t hesitate to ask for something, because if you do, then you will never know if it would have been granted it or not.

While Jamie was at Officer Training School (OTS), we were trying to figure out what we where going to do with the house and all of our stuff. And if you know us, we have a lot of stuff, cool stuff. We started stressing about living situations and what was going to happen with us because of DOMA. Currently, DOMA prevents same-sex married couples from having access to many federal benefits. This law binds the military. Regardless of the repeal of DADT and the can of worms it opened for LGB families, DOMA still exists, and it was becoming more and more real for both Jamie and me. The stress was hard on both of us, me living in Houston taking care of everything from there, and Jamie at OTS four states away feeling the stress of not being able to help or be here to fix it…it began to really cut us down.

I read an article about DOMA and military installations and how base commanders have the authority to allow same-sex couples to live off base. It sent a green light bulb to my brain and off came a little bit of stress. I talked to Jamie and suggested that I contact the base commander and see what we could do about our unique situation. We both agreed that it never hurts to ask, the worst that can happen is that they say no.
So I did some searching, and found the contact information we needed to start the process. Within a day, I was speaking to the bottom of the command, because in the military everything starts at the lowest ring in the chain. Quickly I was writing emails, explaining the situation, and waiting. (Oh the hurry up and wait game that I miss oh so much). We sat and waited. The command would email questions asking for more information before it could proceed to the next member of the command. Weeks passed, and we were told to not hold our breath, that they may not be able to help us, and if that was the case we would have to pay for our apartment ourselves.

For many who do not know, the military pays upwards to 2500 dollars a month in housing allowance to straight married couples, depending on where you are stationed and what rent or mortgages are going for in that area. This is not afforded to LGB couples who are legally married, and they must come up with rent on their own. 
We braced ourselves for the worst by planning for me to work and go to school, and if need be pick up an extra job to cover the rest of the bills.  We would learn to micro-budget even more.

Jamie graduated OTS, and we were told we would have to wait on word from the Colonel. I went back to Houston stressed, and Jamie checked in at the very first duty station of this new adventure.

Weeks passed with no emails and no phone calls. We were prepared to do whatever it took to be together, even if I had to work for two companies and go to school. We already had our apartment and were just waiting. The military really likes to do that to people. Get everything done and then just wait. The waiting started to stress us both out again. Being stressed as a couple five states apart is really tough; thankfully a lot of talking and texting got us through it.

Then one day while I was at work, Jamie called me and said she had to tell me something. She was a little shaky in the voice and seemed to be upset. I quickly asked what was wrong and the response I was given knocked me off my feet. She said, “They called, we where approved!”

We where approved, approved to live off of base, collect BAH at the “single rate” (basic allowance for housing), and everything was being signed in the morning! I was shocked and relieved. All of our stress of what we were going to do was gone. Never did I think we were going to be approved, I just simply thought we would ask and then be told, “We are sorry, but DOMA prevents us from helping our LGB military members. Try and call your Congressman.”

We learned that Monday that it never hurts to ask.  While DOMA makes things ten times harder, if you’re persistent, educated, and ask the right questions, the worst they can say is no.

We know our positive response is unfortunately not true for all of our LGB service members, and that we are very fortunate to be in a command that values their officers and their families. We are forever grateful to the command, and our hope is that DOMA will be gone, so other LGB service members will not have to go through the ringer to get what others take for granted.

Hawaii’s role in DOMA

Ua Mau ke Ea o ka Āina i ka Pono goes the state motto for Hawaii. Translated as “the land is perpetuated by righteousness,” the official motto can be traced back to the Republic of Hawaii. There is a great deal of pride taken in it by the people of Hawaii, so much so that one of its revered composers, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, used it in a landmark song called Hawaii ’78. But when it comes to LGBT equality, Hawaii has seemed to falter somewhat.

Despite the Aloha and a thriving LGBT community and friendly atmosphere, Hawaii has had a checkered past with LGBT rights. In the early 1990s, the historic lawsuit Baehr v Lewin captivated the state when 3 same-sex couples submitted and applied for a marriage license to the Department of Health and Human Services but were denied on the grounds of their sexual orientation. A glimmer of hope was kindled in this lawsuit when Associate Justice Steven H. Levinson of the Hawaii Supreme Court authored the most compelling opinion. He stated that in order to deny these same-sex couples a marriage license, the State of Hawaii should provide “compelling state evidence” for grounds of the denial. He went as far as to cite Article 5 of Hawaii’s Constitution which states:

“No person shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor be denied the equal protection of the laws, nor be denied the enjoyment of the person’s civil rights or be discriminated against in the exercise thereof because of race, religion, sex or ancestry.”

This situation led to the now infamous Defense of Marriage Act being dragged from the very bowels of the government’s darkest imaginations and placed into the law books in September 1996. It was introduced by Sen. Bob Barr (R-Georgia) and signed into law by President Bill Clinton. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, a policy barring gays and lesbians from serving in the US Armed Forces, was also signed into law by President Clinton. With the passages of both laws, the United States had secured itself in a position of hypocrisy in the land of freedom.  Fortunately in 2008 thanks to those who fought long and hard for its repeal, President Barack Obama signed into law a bill ending DADT.

DOMA

It has been an ongoing homework assignment to find out what DOMA is and its relationship to LGBT families. The title itself is fairly innocuous. “Yes,” you might say, “I would like to protect my marriage to my spouse.” Unfortunately, Section 3 of DOMA lists the definition of marriage as solely between a man and a woman for federal purposes.

“In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United States, the word `marriage’ means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word `spouse’ refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.” –HR 3396 Sec. 3

According to the Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAAD) DOMA directly denies LGBT families in this capacity:

• The right to take time off from work to care for a seriously ill spouse through the Family Medical Leave Act;
• Access to all the benefits of a spouse’s health plan, without a tax penalty;
• Medicaid preventions against elder homelessness when one spouse goes into a nursing home;
• Social Security spousal and survivor benefits related to disability, care of a minor child,
• retirement, and death, which protect a family’s economic security in old age, and upon
• disability or death
• The right to leave assets to your spouse – including the home you share together – without
• incurring a tax penalty;
• Joint tax filing and pooled deductions that can save families money; Retirement and death benefits for spouses of federal employees;
• Disability, dependency or death benefits for the spouses of veterans and public safety officers;
• The ability to sponsor a non-resident spouse for purposes of immigration

The Human Rights Campaign says:

“There are 1,138 benefits, rights and protections provided on the basis of marital status in Federal law. [1] Because the Defense of Marriage Act defines “marriage” as only a legal union between one man and one woman, same-sex couples – even if legally married in their state – will not be considered spouses for purposes of federal law.”

For the military, DOMA has wreaked havoc and sown the seeds of despair to LGBT families throughout the entire Armed Forces. One such case that reached the very halls of the Pentagon came from a fairly innocuous affair. Ashley Broadway, the wife of Lieutenant Colonel Heather Mack, was denied membership in the Association of Fort Bragg Officer Spouses because of the fact that she did not have a dependent military ID card. Not having a card not only gave such military spouse clubs the excuse to deny membership, but also denied same-sex military spouses many things like the ability to enter a military base, shop at the commissary and base exchanges, receive health care benefits through Tricare, and many others. The issue at Fort Bragg kept growing and growing well through the Christmas break of 2012, until finally it had reached the national media. As more and more people heard of Broadway’s story, it painted the severity of clear and present discrimination that DOMA has towards families.

Happily of course, the Ft. Bragg spouses group relented and offered full membership to Broadway. It was achieved only after the entire Marine Corps was given an order by its leadership to allow same-sex spouses into groups operating on their bases, the ongoing national media coverage, a notice by the White House, Pentagon inquiries to the leadership of Ft. Bragg, continued public support, and of course the persistence of Ashley Broadway, the American Military Partner Association, and their partner organizations.  The entire affair could have been avoided had the president of the spouse club simply uttered four little words: Welcome to the club.

Enter Charlie Morgan

In another part of the world, an incredibly humble and yet determined soldier made a name for herself and her family by joining others in a landmark lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of DOMA. That person was Chief Warrant Officer Charlie Morgan. Servicemember’s Legal Defense Network filed a lawsuit titled Mclaughlin v Panetta to challenge the constitutionality of DOMA. The lawsuit also served as a platform to raise awareness to the country about the harmful effects of DOMA to all LGBT families. According to SLDN’s website, the total years of service of all the plaintiffs adds up to “159 years of military service” and they “serve in the Army, Air Force, Navy and National Guard; and as couples, have been together for a total of 79 years.” With statistics as that, how can the government ignore the dedication of these service members and continue to uphold this discriminatory law?

Charlie’s case, however, was unique. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. Though she initially beat it and was cleared to deploy to Kuwait, it had come back with a deadly vengeance. She took up the cause and continued to fight for our families in a race against time. She fought back at the cancer with chemo-therapy and at the same time engaged the government on the issues with DOMA. On February 17th, we learned of Charlie’s passing. She was surrounded by her family all the way until the end.

Sen. Jean Shaheen (D-N.H.) introduced in the US Senate a bill appropriately called the Charlie Morgan Military Spouses Equal Treatment Act of 2013 which served as a companion bill to the earlier Military Spouse Equal Treatment Act of 2013 by Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA) which essentially would “change the definition of ‘spouse’ in four areas of U.S. Code related to recognition, support, and benefits for married service members and veterans.”

The Future

During our own Marriage Equality campaign in Honolulu, my fiancé Chris and I were interviewed by our local news station. Chris said something very eloquent and profoundly Hawaiian, “You got to have Aloha for everyone, not just for some.” As of today, DOMA is now hanging on by a very thin thread dependent on a decision by the Supreme Court. Along with the fate of DOMA being decided is the equally infamous Proposition 8 from California, both of which are rapidly finding themselves in the dustbin of history as more and more show support for marriage equality and equal treatment for same-sex military spouses. Despite supporters of DOMA spending millions of dollars more of taxpayer money (and by default all the tax contributions by LGBT citizens) into defending DOMA, we’ve made great progress. Amicus briefs have been filed by nearly 300 businesses to the Supreme Court, with most of them from Fortune 500 companies. The White House has ordered the Justice Department to stop defending DOMA in court, and even now the movement towards equality is gaining momentum as more and more states and individual cities are passing legislation in favor of marriage equality.

I only wish that Charlie was still alive to see these new gains and have her family be afforded the very benefits she and countless others have fought for.

HM2(SW) Jeff Priela-Tam is a board member of Equality Hawaii and a member of the OutServe-SLDN Military Advisory Council

In keeping with tradition, I want to write about a once in a lifetime event I experienced. First, I want to thank the American Military Partner Association (AMPA) for making our visit to the White House possible.  AMPA is the largest support network for same-sex military partners and spouses, and I could not have survived my wife’s most recent deployment to Afghanistan without the kind and encouraging support from the leadership and members of AMPA.

On Monday of last week (5/6/13), my family headed out to Washington, DC, and as I write this I reflect back on the awesome experiences we encountered.  We spent the first days sight-seeing, and at a park across from the Moultrie Family Court House, my wife and I finally became “legally married.”  We had already had a wonderful wedding ceremony and reception last year in California before my wife deployed to Afghanistan, but because of Proposition 8, we could only obtain a domestic partnership in the state. So we were very grateful to be fortunate enough to be able to make the trip out to Washington, DC, and get a marriage license.

I was selected as one of two AMPA military spouses to attend the White House Mother’s Day Tea hosted by the First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS), an event that recognizes military mothers for their support and dedication to the military. The invitation allowed me to take my child, my mother, or a significant woman in my life, so I brought my son and the most significant woman in my life, my wife.

The tea commenced with a speech from Dr. Jill Biden and the First Lady.  My heart exploded with pride during the First Lady’s speech as she referred to all the guests in attendance as “a beautiful group” then turned to my son who was sitting just a few feet from her and said, “and handsome too.”  Another proud moment was when I introduced Elny, who is a Senior Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy, as my wife to Mrs. Obama, Dr. Jill Biden, and Prince Harry (who made a surprise appearance).  I later thought of AMPA member Melissa Smith who fought so hard for her spouse, TJ Jenkins, to get recognition at her retirement ceremony. After twenty years of faithful and honorable service, her command felt her request to present her wife with a spousal appreciation letter was against a (non-existent) policy.  Her Commanding Officer leaned on the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) to deny her spouse recognition as such. How ironic, because on Thursday May 9th, four AMPA members were welcomed with open arms to an event hosted by our Commander in Chief’s spouse. One would think that DOMA is open to biased personal interpretation, because if the White House can recognize us as spouses, why couldn’t Melissa’s wife rate a spousal certificate of appreciation?

At the White House, we were fortunate enough to sit with the First Lady’s mother, Mrs. Robinson, who was a very lovely and kind woman.  Our table host was the Secretary of Veterans Affairs wife (or Patti, as she introduced herself) who was an intelligent woman with an amazing sense of humor. She and I cracked jokes and had the entire table laughing loudly. Later I learned that she is on the advisory board for Joining Forces, a White House initiative that brings attention to the needs and sacrifices of veterans, service members, military families, and their children, and inspires action to provide broad-based American support to them.  Also at our table was another intelligent, magnetic, and amazing woman named Alicia Hinds Ward, who is the 2013 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year.  With strength in numbers, she inspired me to join forces with other military families to pursue equal rights for all military spouses.

My wife and I were pleasantly surprised with how accepting our entire table was to us. In fact, they did not blink an eye when they realized we were a same-sex couple. As I laughed with my newfound friends, I thought of our friends Monica and Kat Dirikson who attended several military balls and felt so uncomfortable and unwelcomed as a married couple. I found myself wishing they were with me so they could experience the same warm welcome we received. I also thought of the fight and determination Ashley Broadway had when she was told she could not become a member of the Association of Fort Bragg Officer’s Spouses because she did not have a dependent identification card. Through her tenacity, she was eventually welcomed and in turn set a precedence for an astounding number of military spouse associations nationwide, which opened the door for all military spouses.  How fitting that she was voted as Fort Bragg’s Military Spouse of the Year. I felt so honored to be seated with such a wonderful and influential group of women, not to mention the woman who is the love of my life, my wife. I felt tears well up in my eyes when Prince Harry and my wife thanked each other for their service and swapped a quick war story. True to Navy Chief fashion, she thanked Prince Harry for his service, winked at him and stated “I’m proud of you.”

My son who is such a strong, kind, and insightful young man was so excited to meet the First Lady, who made his day when she gave him a hug and then turned to me and said, “I’ve already met your handsome son.” My wife and I fought back tears of joy seeing that dimple come out as he smiled in embarrassment.  Joaquin is my biological child, and my wife always jokes that we are together because of him. We got together a year before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT), and he was so innocent that he was personally offended when my wife told him that he had to be careful when he talked about our family on base. He couldn’t grasp the concept of living two separate lives, and thank goodness DADT was repealed shortly thereafter.

Fast forward to the second year of post-DADT, and despite the fight against DOMA, my wife and I discovered something new about our child. Last month was the “month of the military child,” and when I asked how he felt about being a military child he said that because he had not been one all of his life, he did not feel like one. My wife legally adopted him and takes him to work and proudly introduces him as her son, so we were baffled that he felt this way. This is the same son who ran off of a lacrosse field in the middle of a game to say one last goodbye to his mom who was leaving for Afghanistan that day, despite the fact they had already said their goodbyes. He had felt he needed to say one last goodbye, which he later shared was because he was scared that it would be their last goodbye because she might not make it back. Both of them had sobbed uncontrollably as his team, the opposing team, and their families looked on.  Sadness had spread quickly among those who witnessed the sobbing big kid saying goodbye to his little mom telling her to “stay safe” and “I wish I could go with you to keep you safe.” They have always been two peas in a pod and have such a strong connection that if I didn’t have him I would’ve swore that she did.  My wife adopted him so we could all be a family and he would receive military benefits. He was so proud to get a military dependent ID card and reassured me that I shouldn’t worry because now I could use him to get on base, and if I ever needed anything from the Navy Exchange he would be happy to use his card. We had no clue that our child felt like he was not a military child. It took everything I had to hold back tears when he told my wife that he felt this because I was not considered a military spouse, that our family was not recognized by the military, and in turn he felt it unfair that he is considered a military child.

He also knows that he is the one that binds our family together legally. If something happens to me, my wife will be notified because I am on her family care plan as his primary care giver and if something happens to her I will get notified vice versa.  When we explained this to him we thought he was honored and happy to be our voice but later realized what a big responsibility to put on a child.  Just recently, he asked my wife if she could change out of her uniform when we made a visit to his school, which hurt her feelings. In hind-sight, my wife and I realized that he has never requested her to change when they are without me. The school he attends has a high percentage of military children, and I can only speculate he overhears other military kids talk about how same-sex military families are not recognized in the military.

We constantly discuss the inequalities our family faces, but not once had we imagined the toll it is taking on our own son. He is an amazing young man and does not deserve to have such a burden placed on him.  So needless to say, we have developed a newfound disgust and immeasurable anger against DOMA.  The lack of benefits can be worked around, and we even developed thicker skin to the insulting comments and ignorant rants of some of our heterosexual military family counter-parts. While we are forced to take extra measures like adoption, an abundance of legal paperwork, investing in health and life insurance, and pursuing an agent or “baby-sitter” ID card for base access, they are all attainable and just part of what same-sex led military families must endure and accept for now. What is not acceptable is the emotional toll DOMA is taking on our child. He takes on our burdens and feels our pain even when we try to shelter him from them. He recently submitted an article to the Stars and Stripes newspaper during the month of the military child in April.  In it, he gave his perspective of his two moms… expressing his inability to understand the difference between heterosexual and gay parents and ended with “so you see, even though I am a military child with two moms.  We are no different than any other family.”

I felt validated for a brief moment during the visit to the White House as a military spouse. I remember the days of being introduced as my wife’s friend and always being careful to turn my eyes away in hopes no one would see the love I have for her.  Remembering how I had to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn’t out her, I felt empowered by simply uttering the words “my wife” to the First Lady of the United States. But it breaks my heart that my son does not feel like he is a military child because our family is not recognized. I wonder how many military children feel the same way.

My wife and I have four significant anniversaries: the day we became registered domestic partners, the day my son shared our family name, the day we had our wedding ceremony, and finally the day we were legally married. We’ve spent over $40,000 in ceremonies, plane tickets, hotels, lawyers, court fees, and officiants for ceremonies. How much more must my wife and I do to prove that we deserve to be recognized as spouses?

End DOMA now!

Military spouses and partners are all too familiar with the dreadful and heartbreaking moments when saying goodbye to our loved one before a deployment. Clinging to that last kiss, last fingers entwined, last embrace feels as urgent as an umbilical cord to oxygen and life itself. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first or 12^th deployment, the ache never gets easier, but the tools to adaptation can make the process more manageable.

Certainly, there is the distance of space and time between us and our service member.  Adapting to different schedules, time zones, and erratic call times can drive a new spouse straight into a king size tub of Ben & Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby” watching endless “Desperate Housewives” reruns.

What to do during your spouse/partner’s deployment to pass the time is what will make or break you and your relationship.  Keeping busy, developing your own authentic life, visiting friends and family, and having a hobby you are passionate about are all extremely important , but a critical component that is easily overlooked in advice to the newly separated partner is the power of touch.

Too often we ignore or think we can put on the shelf and pack away our need for human touch. This is at the base of survival on Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. We need contact in order to fill a myriad of needs: comfort, security, stress reduction, as well as feeling loved, supported, and connected to the human family.

Daily maintenance can go a long way in beating some of the “Deployment Blues” and doesn’t risk a restraining order from your BFF.

• Hugs – From friends and family to complete strangers, hugs are about the most therapeutic form of touch. I’m not talking about the superficial movie star cheek “air kisses” and “faux hug” like you two are holding an invisible air bag between you. I’m talking about the “All IN” meat and potatoes kind of genuine squeeze your granny gives you or a 4 year old. Hugging fills you with warmth, gratitude, connection, and relieves stress better than any prescription cocktail.  If our hug quota is well maintained, chances are we are more receptive to our partners when they need us to be strong for them and they are having a rough week. http://www.lifepositive.com/mind/personal-growth/hug/hug-therapy.asp

• Hand Holding – This is a more old fashioned practice, usually done by grandparents and great-grandparents, but so powerful. I remember my Grandma Baker was a “professional hand holder” with everyone she ever met. When anyone would tell her a story, she would take their hand in hers and gently press with her top hand as if to cradle it, while intently gazing into the person’s eyes with focus of attention. This made you feel you were truly the most important being on the planet and that what you said was of vast importance. You could be telling her about the butter you left on top of the stove and she would respond with the same intense focus as if you were delivering the secret to “life, the universe, and everything”.  In our modern times of “hand held” devices, we forget to put down the electronics and pick up our friends hand across the table that we asked out to lunch in the first place.

• Dance – This may not be for everyone, but taking a class in swing, two-step, or some partner form of dance has wonderful benefits to the spirit, as well as fulfilling your quota for human contact without guilt. You attend, you dance, you go home. And as an extra bonus, you can show your partner some pretty sweet dance moves to practice together when they return! There is even a great dance style called “Contact Dance” that works with great trust and balance among the other dancers, literally balancing their weight and counter balancing. It also works with breath and energy work .

• “Hi Five” – If you are not into all the hand holding, go with the “High Five.” It still counts as contact and several high fives a day, or back pats still go a long way in simple connection and re-affirming your humanity.

• Massage – Now if we could all afford to barter, trade, or pay for a decent massage! This is highly recommended to budget in once a month at the very least. It releases toxins, improves circulation, lowers stress, relieves depression, and cures a whole host of crazy when you haven’t received a call or good Skype connection in a couple weeks! If your friends are up to it, offer to host a group massage. We all have stress we could release and chances are they need it too!

The same needs also apply to our Spouses and Partners. Encourage them to get a massage while deployed IF possible, or at the very least, hug or High Five their fellow brothers and sisters at arms. If they have arms, they can give a hug. This can greatly reduce their stress levels and perhaps keep them grounded. If they feel they are too macho for that touchy feely stuff, remind them of the last basketball or football game they watched and how much hugging, back patting, constant contact affirmations are being exchanged.

Adaire is a proud military partner of a U.S. Navy Chief, who calls San Luis Obispo “home base” while her wife is in Monterey. When not parenting their daughter, Adaire writes for a monthly local magazine.

My partner is serving in Afghanistan with the United States Air Force. I am proud of the work she does for our nation and of the sacrifices she makes while deployed. She is an outstanding officer, one with integrity first, service before self, and excellence in all she does.

Specifically, I would like to note the “service before self.”

One of the many things we have done to make our time apart seem shorter is to plan. We plan where our new house will be. We plan on getting a puppy (or two) when she returns home. We have a list of places we plan to visit, if possible, in the next year. One of these places was San Francisco Pride.

We were devastated this past Friday morning to read in The Advocate that Bradley Manning, the LGBT Army intelligence specialist in prison for espionage, would be one of the grand marshals of the San Francisco Pride 2013 celebration. Manning leaked over 750,000 documents to WikiLeaks. According to a February 2013 article in the New York Times, Manning believed that if the public “had access to the information in the reports, this could spark a debate about foreign policy in relation to Iraq and Afghanistan.” Manning took it upon himself to decide what should and shouldn’t be secure information. When the military judge questioned as to why he pled guilty when he believed that leaking the information is for the “greater good,” Manning replied, “Your Honor, regardless of my opinion or my assessment of documents such as these, it’s beyond my pay grade — it’s not my authority to make these decisions” about releasing confidential files.

In 2007, Manning raised his right hand and repeated, “I, Bradley Manning, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

Manning took this oath. His orders were to keep the information passed to him Top Secret. If he truly believed something was wrong, he should have used his chain of command. He put my partner, an honorable member of this United States Military in danger. He leaked tactical information that is key to keeping our troops safe, and our mission successful. The specialist is not privy to all information in each mission; he is a piece of a very large puzzle, but his work is honorable if he does his part. Death is a part of war, and what Manning leaked was not pertinent information for the American public to know; it was a publicity stunt because he couldn’t be who he felt he was in the military. My partner served under DADT honorably alongside many others; this man is a coward. He put himself before his service.

It is disappointing, to say the least, to think Manning is the individual San Francisco would choose to represent the LGBT military community, and I am relieved that they retracted their offer. I am, however, disheartened to see so many in the LGBT community standing with Manning. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed because gay men and women in uniform are no different than the proud men and women beside whom they serve. They have always served with dignity, respect, honor, and service to our country, and are just now able to do so openly. Manning should not represent the LGBT community in any way; he has done unimaginable, irreparable harm to our country and placed many service members in danger – including those in our very own LGBT community.

San Francisco is one of the greatest, strongest cities in which I’ve had the pleasure of living. It is where I first moved away from my home on the East Coast. It is where I attended my first pride. It is where I marched down the street in my Red Sox hat and shirt when same-sex marriage passed in Massachusetts. It’s where I watched my step-mom marry her wife in City Hall for the first time in 2004, and on the beach the second time in 2007. It is where I first watched legally married couples march hand in hand in what is the biggest and best Pride celebration in the United States. San Francisco is where the most resilient people fight for equal rights deserved, and this community deserves much more than Bradley Manning.

I heard horror stories prior to my deployment of families fighting over their time apart.  Short fuses, rising tempers, and months of anticipation plagued what little time they interacted online or over the phone.  That’s what I heard; yet, it’s not what Lauren and I experienced.  As I look back, I think of why we were so different than so many?

For some reason, I didn’t see us fighting a lot.  We talk about…well, we talk about everything.  In fact, I probably share more with her than I should.  For instance, an unfamiliar bodily fluid from a fresh wound seems like an obvious point of discussion.  I mean, why wouldn’t she want to see it and analyze it alongside me?  Or, why wouldn’t she want to sit in close proximity, right after I worked out at the gym (for the record, I sweat…a lot) and hear all the details of my routine?  More importantly, why wouldn’t she want me to hug her when I’m done?

Despite the agonizing look on her face as I inch closer in my PT gear, I know she wants to hear everything I have to tell her.   And, vice versa!  I suppose that’s why I had no doubts about our ability to work through 6-months apart.  However, there’s a lot more to it than good communication.

For same-sex partners, 6-months apart means much more than distance.  DOMA exacerbates distance, which leaves Lauren with the same questions many of you ask as your partners deploy: will I know if something happens to her?  What if something happens to me back home; will she qualify for emergency leave?  Will the bank grant the POA my partner left me before deployment?

As a lawyer, I’m blessed – or cursed, depending on your point of view – with an understanding of marriage laws and how DOMA impacts us every day.  Rather than worry about the legal issues impacting our situation, I wondered how I would get through six months without talking about the life Lauren and I share.  I deployed to a joint environment where I worked closely with Navy and Army personnel.  I had no idea how receptive the Army and/or Navy culture would be.  All I knew was the Air Force.

For about two short weeks, I tip-toed around, dodging questions about my personal life in an effort to find out who was safe and who would judge.  I’m sure many of you have played a similar game, an attempt at diffusing remnants of DADT through the infamous pronoun game.  After two short weeks, I figured, what the hell – dive right in and share what’s so worthy of telling – I’ve got an amazing partner whom I love and adore.  There’s no reason to hold back.  I was blown away by the excitement, the support, the acceptance and love.  Even in a nerdy fit, as I blasted the oral arguments in United States v. Hollingsworth from my computer speakers, my military brethren told me they couldn’t believe the federal government could enforce such antiquated law.  Not one person told me to turn it down.

DOMA can affect our legal rights, but it sure can’t affect my ability to share my life with others.  My military family embraced me and without knowing her, embraced Lauren as well.  While I’m confident we would survive a less receptive work environment, I’m sure glad to have had the experience I did.  Sharing with others what I see in Lauren made her feel a little closer.   It also filled that open communication with positive stories, as opposed to the negativity I wrongfully anticipated.

Christie Jones is a USAF JAG currently deployed to the Joint Legal Center at Bagram, Afghanistan. She is stationed in Tucson, AZ at Davis-Monthan AFB, and her partner will join her there again when she returns from deployment in May. Christie is a lover of all things outdoors, great beer and wines, anything chocolate, and, most importantly, the Red Sox. She also serves as a member of the AMPA Military Advisory Council.

Many are familiar with the rush to the altar known as a shotgun wedding, but it takes a military spouse to appreciate all that goes into what I am calling a “Machine Gun Wedding.” My partner and I have decided to use the last two months before her PCS to Korea to plan a very small wedding. Originally, we wanted to wait until we had full recognition under the law to take the plunge, but with the end of DOMA seeming a real possibility, we are going for it. We didn’t want to have to wait a full year after its demise to publicly express our love and commitment, and I could always use an excuse to dress up.

In addition to the “normal” stresses that befall any military couple planning a “Machine Gun Wedding,” we face additional hardships because we are bride and bride instead of bride and groom. While other couples plan a wedding around a special date, with the flexibility to leave ample planning time, our deadline is set for us. While other couples pack for a honeymoon, we will be packing her up for a year-long solo trip into a near war zone. While even other military couples may plan a small wedding near family and friends, we are forced to travel out-of-state on a budget that will soon be significantly decreased due to a loss of housing benefits. All this stress makes a girl want some nachos, but with a wedding less than two months away, I shouldn’t indulge. Who am I kidding? Pass the guacamole!

It’s disheartening to know that the Army recognizes the sacrifices made by military families, and has policies in place to ease the burdens of time apart, but does not yet extend those benefits to our family. We are a family too! I am so glad to be in my hometown around an established support group, but what will happen when we leave here for another duty station? I have faith that DOMA will be struck down, but I would be lying if I didn’t sometimes worry about the what-ifs. What if our marriage is never federally recognized? What if I spend my life moving from place to place and have trouble finding a job? What if something happens to her and I am the last to know? What if something happens to me and my family tries to push her away and take our son? What if we don’t keep a renter in her house all year and we have to maintain three residences? What if that was the last of the nacho cheese sauce?! (For real, I have a serious nacho problem.)

Right now, with the whole wedding a very recent and still exciting development, it’s not hard to push the worries aside. I do, however, have a feeling they will be moving steadily into the forefront of my consciousness over the coming weeks. Whenever those worries rear their ugly heads, I know I will be so thankful for the family and friends who support us, and for the support I have found with AMPA. I am thankful for the rise in public acceptance of LGBT families, and for the ability to at least be a part of my fiancée’s life without risking her career. I know that’s not really adequate, and I will not settle for this in the long run, but for now it’s enough to know that I am committed to the love of my life, and now to the Army too. As long as we never have to go to a place without nachos, that is.

Maria is a 31-year-old Army brat, engaged to be married to W01 Amanda Emmerson. They share a home in Sierra Vista (Amanda is stationed at Ft. Huachuca) and both the joys and difficulties of raising an awesome 11-year-old boy, Daniel. Amanda will be PCSing to Korea at the end of June, and they  plan to marry June 4th in Seattle.

As I sit here typing in the wee hours of the morning, I’ve got my six day old daughter Jordan sleeping on my chest. She’s a miracle, pure and simple, like we all are (though we tend to forget) and it’s still hard to believe she’s really laying right here, breathing and making cute cooing noises and working on her next dirty diaper. More than one time, I’ve held my own breath to make sure I can hear hers, and I have every time. I am really that blessed.

Judith, my partner, lies exhausted beside me, catching a few winks between Jordan’s breast-feeding binges. In 2009, we’d tried to get Judith pregnant using a doctor and an anonymous sperm donor, only to give up when we found some medical issues that stacked the odds against conception for Judith. Last summer, we tried again, one time, with the help of a donor we know and love and who loves us. The fact of Judith’s immediate conception with Jordan astounded us. In fact, it was so hard to believe that Judith took three separate pregnancy tests before she called her doctor to set up a pre-natal appointment. Throughout Judith’s pregnancy, we’d look at the sonogram pictures, or feel for Jordan’s kick in Judith’s belly, and just marvel that this could be true.

Even before Jordan, I felt incredibly blessed in my life with Judith. We’ve been together for over ten years. That whole time, I’ve found myself at some point pretty much every day pausing to close my eyes in a brief prayer of gratitude for our life together. We just seem to “fit” each other—we enjoy each other, work well together to tackle projects and problems, and we bring out the best in each other. We love each other, and it is a love that encompasses sex but also so much more.

Judith and I married in 2005, in a private ceremony with our parents in Maui that meant everything to us but nothing in the eyes of the law. Three years later, when same-sex marriage became legal and open to out-of-state visitors in California, we flew out to claim our moment in history. On a Friday afternoon, we married in a civil ceremony at the courthouse in Marin County. The following Tuesday, voters responding to a church-funded campaign against same sex families adopted Proposition 8 taking away our right to marry. But California’s Attorney General chose not to apply Proposition 8 retroactively, so our marriage remains legal and valid—in certain states and countries. In Texas, where we live, voters amended the state constitution in 2004 to avoid recognizing our marriage. And under that amendment—our Texas version of California’s Prop. 8—for the purposes that matter most to us, our marriage license is really just a fancy piece of paper we keep locked away, unless we travel out of state.

Right now, the purpose that matters most to us is our new daughter, Jordan. A few days ago in the hospital, I helped Judith fill out the “vital records” form for her and had to tell her to check the box for “single” instead of “married.” I wept bitterly in anguish over that denial of my love and my family. I thought of (and felt like) the disciple Peter denying Jesus, to whom he had sworn “even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” I can’t even write about this or talk about it without crying, it’s so awful. And that little box matters so much for us right now.

Under Texas law, a baby that is conceived through artificial insemination is automatically, by law, the child of the mother’s legal spouse. Checking that little box on the vital records form is how a mother claims those parental rights for her spouse. But under Texas law, Judith can’t check “married” and she can’t identify me as Jordan’s other parent—even though we are legally married (in California) and I am in every way that matters Jordan’s parent. Oh, I suppose we could have checked the box, but we couldn’t risk that Jordan’s birth certificate would get tied up in some administrative limbo. We need that birth certificate right away, to add Jordan to Judith’s health insurance. We also need it to get Jordan a military ID so I can bring her on base to visit Judith when Judith is at drill, or doing her annual two weeks service later this year. Under the Army’s existing interpretation of DOMA, I still can’t get one of those ID’s as Judith’s spouse.

Checking that box also matters to our family’s finances. In December, we paid a lawyer several thousand dollars to file a petition for me to adopt Jordan. Though the first weeks of a new baby’s life are the last time when new parents need extra things to worry about, we’re in the process of preparing for a social study of our household. We can’t afford to wait until life calms down—at any moment, something could happen to Judith or she could be deployed, and we need the adoption processed as quickly as possible so that I can protect and take care of our new daughter. Technically, under Texas law, we’re not even supposed to be able to perform the adoption this way—we have to follow a “back alley” procedure that gets our case before the right judge. And there are many politicians out there, right now (including Paul Ryan), who are advocating for laws prohibiting gays from adopting children. Prohibiting me from adopting my little girl.

And don’t think that because we have good earning potential, it’s just an inconvenience for us to pay for an adoption. The money we’ll spend adopting Jordan is money we could have spent on her care and education. It would have paid for everything we needed as new parents to take care of her in her first year. It would have covered the costs of her birth by Cesarean section. It would have covered the added COBRA health insurance premiums Judith paid for the luxury of quitting her overly stressful job in the last few weeks of her pregnancy. It would have paid for a lot of things. And what about the families who can’t afford to pay a lawyer like we can?

I’m already steeling myself against what I’ll hear on the news and read in my friends’ Facebook posts as the Supreme Court starts to hear oral arguments about the laws that put us in this situation—the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8. How it hurts to see Christians lining up in solidarity and shouting to the rest of us (literally and virtually in online forums) that the badge and banner of their Christian faith is opposition to the legal recognition of my family!

Today, I’m busy being a new mother and trying to create a positive atmosphere in my home. I’m not going to respond to your posts or post anything of my own. But I will say this: Think and pray hard about the fact that you would deny to us what you enjoy for yourselves, in the name of the one who taught that God’s law could be summed up in one rule: “do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Matthew 7:12). I know you are trying to honor God, but you are in fact hurting God’s children: me and millions of your other brothers and sisters. Your dogma—which isn’t universally accepted even among Christians—has caused us economic hardship, when we couldn’t purchase health insurance, didn’t obtain death benefits, paid extra taxes, paid lawyers to draw up documents for us or help us adopt our own children, or lost jobs where being gay wasn’t acceptable to someone. Your dogma has destroyed families, leading parents to disown and abandon their gay children, separating families whose immigration status depends on the existence of a marriage, separating elderly couples who grew too frail to live independently, and causing courts to deny custodial rights to parents who loved and raised children that the law did not treat as their own. Your dogma has led to beatings, murders, rapes, and suicides. Your dogma is hurting me—someone you may know and even love—and my six day old daughter right now, here, today. And none of this is just or right.

Alicia Butler is an attorney who lives in Austin, Texas with her partner, 2LT Judith Chedville, U.S. Army National Guard.

Remember the saying about how long it takes to get over a break up? What is it, something like, “divide the time you were together in two?” So, if you were dating for a year, it should take about six months to get over the person.

Wouldn’t it be nice if life worked that way? Well, realistically, anyone who has been through a bad break up knows that these equations just don’t work.

What if we applied the same equation to a deployment? It should have taken three months for things to be back to normal after my wife got home, right? Not so much.

It’s funny, you know. People talk about the “new normal” after a deployment. Military families are taught about the adjustments and sacrifices that everyone makes during a deployment. We talk about how to make that “reintegration period” smoother.

Even with my counseling background and knowledge about how people grow and change over time, I can’t say that I was fully prepared for the changes we’ve been through since my wife deployed. Yes, it’s true that there is some readjustment back to daily life. Things like walking the dogs, taking out the trash, and cooking are all a bit different. Yes, that is a change that happens during a deployment. But the reality is that this deployment changed each of us – and it changed “us.”

I consider myself a pretty patient person. I am a good listener, and I take the time to support the people I love. But my level of patience deteriorated while Sue was deployed. It became a chore for me to listen to people complain about mundane things. Didn’t they know that I was worried about the love of my life being hurt or killed? How could they complain about traffic or have a long, deep conversation about reality T.V.? Some of that has subsided since she came home, but some of it has not. And perhaps the hardest part of that for me is that I was completely unaware it was happening. I didn’t realize that my patience was waning and my anger was rising.

Susan has had trouble adjusting home with regard to patience as well. It’s difficult to come home and have people assume that things are just going to go back to normal. It’s challenging to go back to a desk job after your mind and body have been going 100 m.p.h. for so long. It’s hard to trust the people at your civilian job to have your back, the way your military comrades do, when in all reality they often don’t. It’s hard to have patience with people as they ask awkward questions about your deployment or, perhaps even more difficult, when they don’t.

It has been four months since Susan got home from her deployment. We are still in the “reintegration phase.” Sometimes I wonder what things will look like down the road. Will I ever fully regain my patience? Will she readjust to work? Will the people around us ever fully understand what we’ve been through?

I’m unsure of many of those answers. What I am sure of, though, is that I am thankful to have a different perspective when I am stuck in traffic or get the wrong coffee in my order – this deployment helped with that. I am sure that the level of connection and camaraderie that Susan felt during her deployment is possible in the civilian world, if only we have people like her to help make it so. And, finally, I am sure that the people in our life who love and care about us just want to understand. They want to know how we got through such a challenging time, and how we continue to learn and grow from it.

To be honest, I want to understand too.

Margaret Weis is a proud USAF wife. Her wife, Susan, serves as a Captain in the Air Force Reserve and is based in Massachusetts. Susan was deployed from April to October 2012 to Bagram Field in Afghanistan, where she served as the installation’s IDO. Margaret is pursuing a career in Unitarian Universalist ministry and will be serving as a hospital chaplain in the upcoming year. Margaret and Susan were married in June 2011, and live north of Boston with their two rescue dogs, Lela and Checkers.