“Getting a second chance, a ‘do over,’ is so rare, but that is exactly what we were given.  In 1990, while in college, a mutual friend introduced us to each other.  We lost contact with each other over an unfortunate misunderstanding, but never stopped thinking about one another.  The same friend who originally introduced us, brought us back together sixteen years later.  This time around we didn’t hesitate.  We’ve been together ever since and were legally married in May of this year.”

Denise and Mary grew up in North Carolina, but are currently living in Texas while stationed at Ft. Hood. An Aviation Major in the Army, Mary is an Apache Longbow pilot and has served for over 20 years. Denise currently works at Central Texas College as their first grant coordinator and helps to develop their grant seeking initiatives, while also caring for their two dogs, Sadie & Murphy.

Even though Denise has served as a military spouse for over 7 years, she never saw the military life as being part of her own identity, but rather as something that was an outside force she had to adapt to. “Until I found AMPA, I spent a lot of time feeling that the military lifestyle was something that happened to me; like an unfortunate circumstance.  I revered the military from afar without any real notion as to the continual sacrifice and strength exhibited by those and their family members serving our country.  I’m sure those words make service members cringe, but for a civilian, who had never considered the military being an intrinsic part of her life, it required a large mental adjustment.”

Together, Denise and Mary have been through one deployment and one PCS move. The deployment was a great challenge to both of them, occurring only 6 months after they re-united as a couple. “I wasn’t prepared for how hard the deployment would be or versed on the ‘usual’ pitfalls and how to recognize them.  I wasn’t prepared for the constant worry.  I wasn’t prepared for the guilty anger I would feel towards my partner over the separation.  I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of worry that wouldn’t go away even after she returned.  I especially wasn’t prepared for the realization that her unit was already planning their next deployment a scant month after returning.   I was struggling to find my place and my voice in my wife’s life, rather than in our life together. Without the usual support structure most new spouses receive, I was flying blind and, frankly, not doing well.  In AMPA, I have found support, understanding and a resounding, ‘We understand what you are going through.’ I didn’t fully realize the pressure my isolation from Mary Katherine’s military life was putting on our marriage until I found the AMPA community.”

Since finding AMPA, Denise and Mary have connected to a whole network of families just like them who are finding resources and sharing tools for negotiating their way through a military system that has not caught up to the needs of their family yet.

Denise explains, “There are many ways our current situation would be better if we were to receive the same benefits as every other military family:  job placement assistance, health insurance, command sponsorship to name just a few.  But, first and foremost, it would foster a sense of belonging.  Beyond the monetary compensation and assistance that other military families take for granted, there is also a feeling of inclusiveness and support that is denied our family.  Even though Mary’s unit has been welcoming and wonderfully inclusive, it is the overarching military’s denial of our equality that makes not only financially supporting our family more difficult but affects our morale and the security of our future.”

Mary also shared her perspective. “I think this is a great outlet for Denise to connect with other partner’s of military service members.  It is the first resource she has found that has helped her understand how to deal with moves, deployments, general information regarding what it is like to be a partner of a service member. Even more so than an FRG with heterosexual couples, AMPA provides specific information that helps gay couples navigate the current system.”

During this experience, Mary also realized how invaluable she was in helping Denise integrate into the military family. “Don’t assume that your partner knows how to deal with a deployment or what the process of going on a deployment is all about.  You have to tell them every step of everything.  When possible, set aside time to communicate with your partner in any way that you can.  Even if you are not successful in making contact, just the effort to communicate can mean a great deal to your partner at home.”

Valentine’s Day is a special time of year for all of us, but it is a very special time of year for Melvin and Randy. This year, February 10th marked the 14th anniversary for them. The couple met when they were both stationed in North Carolina. Melvin was a Marine at New River Air Station with MALS 29 and Randy was a Naval Hospital Corpsman serving at Camp Lejeune with 2nd Marine Div. After meeting each other, they attended and graduated college together and even served in the same reserve units after leaving active duty. They had every intention of ending their military lives after college, but that isn’t where it ended. Randy had always wanted to become a Commissioned Officer and the two felt that it would be their best option. So after leaving active duty in 2000, Randy returned four years later to get his commission through Officer Candidate School at Fort Benning, GA, graduating in January of 2005. He is now an Army Captain working as the operations officer at the DES at Fort Meade, Maryland. They have 8-10 more years of military life ahead of them, but after that Melvin gets to take the wheel. Randy plans on following wherever Melvin’s career takes them.

Melvin left active duty in 1999 and is now pursuing his Masters Degree in Health Communications. The medical field offers him the opportunity to be flexible in his career. Often times the spouse of a military soldier sacrifices a lot of his or her career to support the soldier they serve along with. If the couple had a crystal ball, Melvin believes he would have chosen a nursing degree that would allow for more flexibility to be mobile with the numerous PCS moves they have endured together.  They have learned to overcome all that life inside and outside of the military has to throw at them. While they’d like to become parents someday and provide a child a stable enjoyable life with culture that expands borders and even continents, for now its Catonsville, Maryland, that they call home, with their two dogs, a Schnauzer-Terrier mix named Spartacus and a Doberman Pinscher named Apollo.

Melvin is from Jacksonville, Florida, and Randy is from Booneville, Arkansas. They have been through five PCS moves together and one combat tour. Randy was deployed to Iraq as an MP platoon leader at FOB Warhorse and FOB Normandy. During this time, Randy helped to train Iraqi Police. If you asked his partner, Randy is strong willed like no other, even at the cost of being stubborn at times. He is giving beyond measure. His strong protective nature makes him want those around him to feel secure. Another thing that really shines about Randy is the pride and respect he has for his Soldiers and the respect they have for him in return. Randy feels Melvin’s ability to adapt to the drastic changes required of a military spouse without the resources that so many take for granted inspires him. He is resourceful and able to make friends in any situation.  Melvin is also one of the prime motivators for Randy; he constantly helps him to remain physically and emotionally fit, from weight training to spiritual awareness. Melvin ensures a good balance of healthy living so the stresses of daily life are kept in check.

The couple learned about AMPA from a friend and have found that the group gives them the networking resource to help cope with the stresses of military life, since the Army does not recognize them as a family. Now that DADT is gone, Randy and Melvin hope that LGBT couples will have the outreach support that was not there before. There is a huge burden lifted off of their shoulders since the repeal of DADT, but a change in the current laws and regulations could really benefit this family. Melvin’s school options would open by allowing him the same in-state tuition benefits military dependents receive when their spouse is stationed from state to state.  They would also have more options for a stable and productive life when they retire from the military. It was always hard for the couple to move and tell all the “little white lies” they had to tell to stay together, but it goes deeper than that. At times, Melvin had to go without health benefits and the ease of mind offered to heterosexual couples in the Armed Forces.

In Melvin and Randy’s words: “AMPA helps the couple feel like they are part of a family when their beloved is off fighting for the freedoms and rights of all.” They have advice for AMPA members and other military couples going through their first deployments. Make friends that compliment your relationship. When you are missing them or just scared where they may be or what they are going through without you, having people that support you and your partner and are there when you need an ear really helps to make those days easier. Keep your communications skills strong and always find that time to enhance your relationship. The little things really do count. Letters, Skype, or even short phone calls make all the difference to keep that bond and romance strong. Be patient to understand the stresses each are faced with because of deployment.

Colonel Ginger Wallace and Kathy Knopf have been together almost 12 years.  Currently, the couple lives in McLean, VA. They have been through five PCS moves and three deployments together, to include Ginger’s current year-long deployment in Afghanistan through April 2013.

Originally from Cadiz, Kentucky, and a graduate of the United States Air Force Academy, Ginger has served for twenty-two years. Kathy, originally from Fairfax, Virginia, is a government contractor for the intelligence community. They originally met through a mutual friend while Ginger was TDY to the northern Virginia area years ago. Kathy recalls that, “Ginger was actually working around the clock, so we had a couple of hit and misses in terms of meeting up, but finally got together for dinner!” Of course, when they began dating twelve years ago, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was still in place. Today, even though DADT has been repealed, Kathy is still not recognized as a spouse, and Ginger remains “single” in the eyes of the Air Force. Due to the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, Kathy and Ginger’s relationship remains invisible. “If DOMA were overturned,” Ginger tells AMPA, “we would be treated like other military couples.  My next assignment is out in Monterey, and Kathy cannot come with me without having to worry about whether or not she’ll have a job, health insurance, etc.  We do not have access to any of the benefits other military couples don’t even think about.”

Although couples feel this struggle nationwide, Ginger and Kathy are happy to find an organization that recognizes their relationship and their struggles. When asked what AMPA means to them, Ginger replied, “It means there is an organization that takes care of military partners/spouses in the absence of full military benefits.  It is good to know that Kathy has an organization to turn to if she needs assistance/help while I’m in Afghanistan.  It means there are organizations fighting for the federal benefits our partners/spouses deserve and to which they have a right.”

Ginger and Kathy have had many years to build their strong relationship. When asked about Kathy, Ginger says,  “she has a huge heart.  She is so smart and the best sounding board I’ve ever had.  I’ve rarely made a personal or professional decision without her input.   We have a mutual respect for each other and make each other better.” Of Ginger, Kathy says, “She treats everyone with respect.  She is always positive, always sees the best in people, and always just ‘does the right thing’ – even when it’s difficult.   She truly loves the Air Force and gives 110% every day to her job and the people with whom she works. She inspires me to try and do the same in my daily life.”

Currently pushing through their third deployment, Kathy and Ginger are experts at communication. “Kathy is better at it than I am but she makes me better,” says Ginger. “You have to really, really listen to your partner and do your best to see their point of view, even when you may not understand what they’re going through.” And Kathy says, “We’re also total opposites in terms of personality; Ginger is able to relax and stay in the moment and not worry about everything, whereas I’m a little neurotic and tend to worry about everything. She’s really good for me in that regard!  We both absolutely love and respect each other and that’s what is important during tough times.” Kathy also loves that they’re always able to make each other laugh, even during the tough times. She said, “Ginger deployed to Iraq the day before Hurricane Katrina hit and we had literally just moved into a new house on the Gulf Coast…that was stressful!”  But the key to a successful military relationship? Flexibility. “Vacations are going to be canceled; plans are going to change. I don’t like it, but I’ve learned to accept it –that’s the nature of military life.”

SFC Stacey Jessee McCall and Genevieve Jessee McCall have been together for two years. Up until a few years ago, they both lived in Boston. Genevieve was there to attend graduate school at Boston University, and Stacey was working as a Station Commander in the Boston area.  The very first acquaintance Genevieve made when she moved to Boston happened to be friends with Stacey.  They both had heard quite a bit about each other through their good friend, but did not actually meet until Stacey had a permanent change of station (PCS) to California, only about a half an hour from Stacey’s hometown of Oakland, CA, where a mutual friend officially introduced them. Currently, Stacey and Genevieve live in Fredericksburg, Virginia, where Stacey is the Center Commander for the Fredericksburg and surrounding area’s recruiting stations.

They experienced their first PCS move together in July of this year, when they relocated from California to Virginia.  Genevieve is an actor, playwright, and teacher.  She said, “I am inspired by Stacey’s complete dedication to the other soldiers she works with and their well-being.  I was drawn to her generous spirit, and devotion to community and family.”

With their first PCS, Genevieve and Stacey recognize that we are all operating in tough economic times. “I left my job in California as an afterschool Drama teacher to relocate to Virginia, because of Stacey’s PCS,” Genevieve told AMPA.  “Stacey does not receive the same dependent benefits as her heterosexual counterparts, though they work side by side; even though we wed in a ceremony June 23, 2012, and have had a Domestic Partnership since March of 2012, I am not recognized as her wife.”  Any spouse of a service member understands that they must make sacrifices for their country as well. Genevieve continues, “Being the spouse of a serviceperson is a unique lifestyle, often fraught with different stresses than a civilian family may face. We face those challenges without the recognition or support of the United States government. Wouldn’t it be nice to do something as simple as grocery shop on post without her?”

Because of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and out-dated Defense Department regulations, Stacey and Genevieve are worried not just about grocery shopping; they have bigger plans that will be greatly affected by this lack of recognition. Although they currently do not have children, they plan to start a family this year. “I will carry our first child,” Genevieve joyfully tells AMPA. However, “we are unclear on what that would mean given my lack of health coverage,” Genevieve shares. “We have decided that I will carry our first child, because I am squarely in my thirties, and a few years Stacey’s senior. This will pose obstacles without health coverage. And then, once our baby is born, will he or she be recognized as Stacey’s dependent? We live in Virginia, a state that does not allow second parent adoption. We are weighing our options, but why should we have these undue burdens?” Genevieve says that Stacey’s belief that things can and will change inspirers her.

Genevieve and Stacey couldn’t wait to meet other families like theirs. Genevieve tells AMPA, “I have never had the great opportunity to spend time with LGB military couples.”  She recently attended an AMPA event, and found it comforting to be in company that completely relates to the unique challenges that same-sex partners face within the military community. She said, “It means we belong, and that’s HUGE. We are just like every other family. We want to love each other, serve our country, and be a recognized and honored part of the fabric of America.”

Together, they are committed to making this work, despite the challenges.  “We believe there’s no obstacle our family will come up against that we can’t overcome,” Genevieve said. “We lean on each other. We make each other laugh.  In my vows, I told Stacey that we would tackle everything as ‘battle buddies,’ and we do.”

Ed and Jamie have been in a relationship for four and a half years and both serve in the United States Navy. They met in Phoenix in 2008 and were married in Hawaii just a day before their fourth anniversary in April of 2012. They made it “legal” in Washington DC in July of 2012. Currently stationed at Fort Belvoir, Virginia, they are lucky enough to have their second assignment together.

Jamie was born in Massachusetts, but grew up in Hawaii, and Ed originally hails from West Virginia. They both lived in Arizona for years before joining the Navy. As registered nurses, Jamie works in med/surg and is getting involved in informatics, while Ed works in critical care and was just placed on the Air Evac team.  “We’re luckier than most in that we’re both active duty and therefore have base access,” Jamie tells AMPA, “This would obviously change if either of us left the military and would become even more complicated once children are involved.”

From the information they have been able to gather, they believe they are the first same-sex partners in the Navy Nurse Corps to marry following the repeal of DADT. “Our command has been extremely supportive and has done a wonderful job of trying to treat us just like everyone else. However, without equal rights and protections under the law, that support and equal treatment depends upon the will of the commander,” Ed tells us. They are lucky to be on their second assignment together, but they may not be so lucky in the future. While opposite-sex married couples are given priority for joint assignments, same-sex married couples are not even considered.

The couple finds that they are a wonderful compliment to each other – the perfect recipe for any relationship. Ed admires Jamie’s outgoing and social nature, and Jamie loves the passion and drive that Ed shows for his life and career. “We’re both home bodies – and geeks,” Ed tells us, “so when we need some down time, we’ll just veg on the couch and catch up on our latest sci-fi obsession.” Jamie is grateful to have a little more time to do so this year since Ed’s first scheduled deployment of their careers was cancelled this New Years Eve.

They are also grateful for the connection to other LGBT military families that they are able to find through AMPA. Ed said, “AMPA gives us the opportunity to get to know others in similar situations so we can develop a personal network.”

Introduced by a mutual friend, Shaina and Lori met about three and a half years ago in Las Vegas at an International Rugby 7s Tournament.  While the timing was ‘off’ for both at the time, it was no surprise that their paths crossed again in the spring of 2011. The same mutual friend arranged a weekend get-away with a group of friends, enticing each individually with the assurance the other would be attending. “We had a blast together the entire weekend, especially on the dance floor! And the rest as they say is history.”

Lori relocated from San Francisco to be with Shaina in San Diego, where the two have just purchased their first home together in May. Before Lori relocated from San Francisco, they spent about a year in a long-distance relationship and tried to visit each other every few weeks, as busy schedules would permit.  The year tested their resolve and their relationship, but both wanted to make sure that Lori had a job with benefits before making that leap of faith.

Lori was an Assistant Professor at a School of Pharmacy, teaching the medical management of infectious diseases, designing and performing clinical research, and providing direct patient care as the HIV/AIDS clinical pharmacist for the local county hospital. She now teaches Health policy as an Assistant Professor at a school of pharmacy and as a Regulatory Pharmacist at a local academic health facility.

Shaina is a Marine Corps CH-46E Pilot stationed in San Diego and is currently a department head at a training squadron that has a variety of missions, including training aircrew and supporting fleet assault support requirements on the west coast.

In addition to her commitments as a USMC Helicopter Pilot, Shaina is on the USA Rugby Women’s National Team. Both of these have a demanding training and travel schedule quite often leading to time away from home and apart from each other. Additionally, Lori’s research, work, and other commitments outside of work also often involve travel. Both are hopeful that their independence, experience with distance and time apart, and communication will be assets in coping when the time for deployment or permanent change of station (PCS) comes. With plans to start a family once DOMA is repealed, currently sharing their new abode is their Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Toby.

As with many AMPA couples, Shaina and Lori are hampered by the burden of having to pay more and make due with less under the current DOMA policies and California’s Prop 8. Changes in policies would enable Lori and Shaina to feel more secure when asked to pick up and move as a couple, not as a single person, paying out of pocket expenses to move Lori. “In addition, while we are in a committed relationship and own a home together, Shaina receives housing allowance at the single rate, about $400 less a month than her married heterosexual counterparts,” Lori said.  ”We are planning on having children in the future, and have concerns about how our children’s benefits may differ depending on the reproductive option we choose.”

Access to the base is a problem for many AMPA families, including for Lori. A surprise lunch for Shaina, or a “goodie” package for the squadron requires base access. Lori has to email the Family Readiness Officer to double check that she is eligible to attend certain events for service members and/or their significant others.  “These small things, while seemingly insignificant compared to larger issues of unequal access to health benefits, are where significant frustration lies because they only serve to magnify how deep the inequalities penetrate into everyday life,” explains Lori.

“Finding and connecting with AMPA immediately provided a sense of relief; relief that we had a group of incredibly supportive service members and their partners that serve as an amazing nation-wide network for information, advocacy, and friendship,” Lori said. “As a group we have shared concerns, from coping with maintaining a healthy relationship during deployments or PCS moves, to dependency status as it relates to having children, to how to best integrate military life within our own individual lives given the constraints and differences it poses for same-sex couples. It certainly helps us feel secure in knowing we have a network of knowledgeable and caring people who understand our concerns, and that we can fall back on them for support when we need it.”

As part of the mission in connecting, supporting, honoring and serving the partners and spouses of America’s LGBT service members and veterans, AMPA has a powerful ability to reach out to both the public as well as elected officials to educate them regarding inequalities faced by same-sex couples. “It is vitally important to get the word out that the repeal of DADT was insufficient in providing full equality,” said Lori. “What we need is the ability to communicate this problem to members of Congress and high-level Defense Department officials so that they can enact policies that provide all service members with equal benefits. Given its national representation, AMPA possesses great potential to effect real legislative change by serving as a voice for military members and their partners in our fight for equal rights.”

Lee and Trent have been together 4 and a half adventurous years, meeting through a friend in San Diego the day after Valentine’s Day in 2008.  Trent was deployed to Iraq during the summer of 2007 and the holiday season was approaching when their mutual friend Ben Gomez had sent out an email inviting Lee and other friends to a Tamale making party (a Tamalada) in honor of Trent.  They were to bring gifts with them so that Ben could mail a care package off to Trent in time for Christmas.  Trent’s picture was in the email and Lee knew when he saw it that he had to meet him.  The following February Trent returned home and had been in town for several days when Lee got a text message from Ben asking him if he wanted to meet Trent. Lee said, “When I laid eyes on him I knew I had to make him smile and when he did there was no turning back.”

Trent is originally from Wichita Falls, Texas, and Lee is from San Antonio, Texas.  Today they reside in San Diego, California, where Lee is an independent personal chef and Trent is a Corpsman in the Navy, who will retire in 6 months. They have already tested their relationship “medal” with 2 major deployments and additionally as parents of two children (A daughter named Riley who is 16 and son named Kai who is 12) who also live with their mother in New York.

Trent is an HM1 (FMF/SW) in the US Navy. Although he is very close to retiring, life remains unpredictable and inequitable to Lee, who supports him as his partner.  Lee is not allowed base access, or cannot do the family shopping at the commissary or the NEX. In addition, Lee can’t pick his partner up from work like normal spouses can, because their union is not recognized thanks to DOMA and out-of-date DoD regulations.

Lee would like to live inside the system, but even the OMBUDSMAN program has shut its doors to him. Lee vents his frustration: “On Trent’s ‘Page 2’ I am listed as an important person in his life, but there is no legal obligation to honor that based on DOMA.  Thankfully I have a great relationship with his parents and his children, but nothing in life is certain and without a legal way to protect our relationship those things are always subject to change.  The biggest contention is the denial of basic benefits and services available to other spouses such as healthcare, education, and many other benefits that are not afforded to our home because of DOMA and out-of-date regulations, even though the President himself could change those out-of-date regulations through an executive order.  In effect our home is subject to a ‘separate but equal’ mentality that is anything but.”  They both feel that the LGBT community is a great asset to the military, and organizations like the OMBUDSMAN program would only flourish with new diversity and growth once incorporated.

As with all couples, stress is often exacerbated before a deployment.  Lee says, “When the going gets tough, Trent and I have worked hard to keep communication open.  We do not argue often, so when it happens it can feel a bit traumatic and very stressful. We both know that it’s something we can work through if we just take a second to catch our breaths and begin a dialogue.  We also seek out couples and friends in general that are responsible for their own lives and have a purpose.   We believe strongly in building our own local family by having many of the same friends to hang out with.  This was a big reason we joined AMPA, to nurture that sense of community within us.”

For those military partners facing the stress of deployment, Lee suggests having the servicemember in the partnership find other AMPA LGBT servicemembers they are deployed with and share contact information in case of connection issues or technology blackouts. This helps ease the pain and fear of the military partner who may not have a way to call up the chain of command when they haven’t heard from their partner in days or weeks.  This also helps the servicemember have someone to talk to who understands their unique challenges back home.

Hailing from Boston and White Plains, NY, Margaret and Susan have been together for four years, reconnecting in a VA hospital in Bedford, Massachusetts, where they both were employed. Margaret worked as a counselor in the Vocational Therapy program and Susan was employed as an Administrative Officer on a research team, where Susan is still employed.  Christmas Eve 2010 was a special reason to celebrate when the two became engage to be married, culminating in a ceremony in June. By the time of their first anniversary, Susan was already serving her country as an LDO for the Air Force in Afghanistan.

Lowell, Massachusetts has been “home” the past two years and the couple has rarely had many moments together during this time. Susan is normally a Reservist Captain out of the Air Reserve Base in Chicopee, MA. Just one week after returning from her annual tour, she was on a plane for her next deployment to Bagram, with plans to return in the fall. As for Margaret, she is presently pursuing her credentials to become an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister. As life has been a bit too hectic for family planning, they have managed to give a loving home to two wonderful rescue dogs, “Lela” and “Checkers”.

Margaret and Susan followed every procedure and loophole to become married as a dedicated couple committed for life, although their marriage is not federally recognized. This discrepancy denies Margaret any eligibility for health insurance benefits from Susan’s two federal jobs. To make ends meet, Margaret works a part-time job in addition to her full-time studies, internship, and preparation for the ministry. Additionally, in the state of Massachusetts, there is a state mandate to carry independent health insurance, which runs Margaret $400 a month. There are also the very real concerns of notifications in the event of injury while Susan is deployed, or survivor benefits, that would be guaranteed to Margaret in a heterosexual marriage.

AMPA came into Margaret’s life soon after Susan’s deployment, where she was being re-introduced to the art of “cooking for one”. Through an OutServe Summit in D.C., she connected with AMPA president Stephen Peters. AMPA provided Margaret with a community who understood and empathized with her challenges and struggles as well as celebrations.

Susan and Margaret celebrate their strengths as a couple and a family, supporting one another in their chosen vocations that both serve a larger community above and beyond themselves. To build upon their commitment to each other they rely on open and honest communication, taking things one day at a time, and the ability to laugh, even in life’s most absurd and difficult moments.

Margaret admires her partner Susan for the ability to inspire others to “be true to their calling and follow their heart. She was the driving force behind me pursuing my lifelong calling to ministry. She inspires her Airmen to build themselves up, challenge themselves, and strive toward a successful and meaningful career. She has a contagious laugh and a beautiful smile, and she leads with care and compassion for those around her.”

When asked about deployment “survival strategies,” Margaret shares from her own experiences: “I have three major pieces of advice for anyone going through a deployment: communicate, be honest, and take care of yourselves.”

 She advises:

1. Journaling for yourself and your partner every day for the first couple of months of deployment. Then mailing that journal to your partner to share in your experiences and to get a deeper perspective of the others day to day living and concerns.

2. Know that the difficulties and experiences through a deployment are a journey for both of you. Be honest with yourself and to others around you if you are having a rough time.

3. Take care of yourselves. Time differences, different schedules, and long workdays can build up and result in a lack of sleep for both partners. Get your rest, exercise, and eat well. And make plans for a vacation when they return, even if it’s just a weekend getaway to reconnect.

Kyle and Brian are approaching their third year together, along with their American Bulldog mix “Sherman the Tank” in Hinesville, Georgia.  Kyle was attending the Maneuver Captain’s Career Course at Fort Benning, Georgia, when fate stepped in and introduced him to Brian. Brian was working in electronic resources for Columbus State University and in the reference department for the Columbus Public Library.  Kyle needed a little help with research for several papers for his class, and Brian was quite a reference, and the rest is history!

Kyle has had experience in two branches of the military; first as an Acquisitions Engineer officer in the Air Force, graduating from the Air Force Academy in 2004, and presently an Army Armor Captain. Brian has a background in academic and public libraries, and has presented nationally on various research topics related to digital knowledge management. In addition to this, he was the Public Relations Chair or the GLBT Round Table of the American Library Association.

Although they have not yet gone through any deployments together, Brian took advantage of courses and trainings through Army Community Services which allow him to hold Battalion-level Family Readiness Group positions. These certifications have given Brian the skills to help families and spouses; not just here at Fort Stewart, but also within AMPA who have questions or concerns that they can’t find the answers to on their own.

PCSing to Hinesville was a stress that Brian could not have anticipated. He is overqualified for many of the library positions and has found stable employment a challenge.  This is a typical “snafu” that many military couples face; where the spouse finds they are under-employed or their career stalled in the sacrifice to live with their partner. Any military partner can tell you, there is no end to what they are tasked to endure.  But what keeps them going?

Brian said, “When I look at Kyle, his compassion and giving spirit are the things I admire most.  Not just for family, friends, and me, but also for his Soldiers and their families.  From the countless late nights at work to the sacrificed weekends and the calls in the middle of the night, he continues to give so much of himself to ensure their well being, all the while making sure there is time for us.  It’s an amazing balancing act and at times I don’t know how he does it.”

 Kyle notes: “Brian has far too many qualities that I admire to list just a few of them.  It still continues to amaze me that he left such a successful career so that we could relocate for mine, even to the point where he has passed on a few opportunities in nearby communities because the commute would take away too much “us” time.  The time and effort that he puts into our relationship and me drives me to improve in my career so that I can do my part to take care of us also.”

Lyndsey and Danielle solidified their relationship by building a strong foundation, and what better beginning than by meeting at an indoor rock climbing gym.  Having met in April of 2011, they are both originally from New York and are currently going through their very first deployment together.  A First Lieutenant in the New York National Guard, Lyndsey will be deployed for about ten months as an Operations Office. Danielle is enrolled in an Occupational Therapy Assistant program with a focus on special-needs kids, drug addicts, and Soldiers with PTSD. As synchronicity would have it, Lyndsey also has a background in massage therapy, and wants to pursue a private practice in massage therapy/bodywork and energy healing after her deployment.

Right now, they are hands on with their 3-year-old Great Dane/German Shepard mix named Mochi, who commiserates with Danielle while Lyndsey is deployed.  Before deployment, a peer advised them to get married to take advantage of benefits a spouse would be entitled to.  Unfortunately for Danielle and Lyndsey, those benefits don’t apply to same-sex couples.  The most devastating blow to same-sex couples is not being denied access to something like low prices at the commissary, but the potential to be denied contact with their loved one in the case of an emergency or fatality. If an emergency befell Danielle, Lyndsey would most likely not be permitted to go home, and if an injury or worse happened to Lyndsey, Danielle would not be notified with priority as other spouses are. Unfortunately for families like theirs, those critical moments can mean everything.

Danielle and Lyndsey have a strong spiritual connection to each other, and this plays a role in helping Danielle stay strong and grounded during Lyndsey’s deployment.  Trying to maintain that connection while Lyndsey is away, Danielle said, “When we see the moon, no matter where we are on earth, we still get to see the same moon.  I also send her care packages filled with her favorite treats, and I hide notes in them.”

Lyndsey offers a Soldier’s perspective of how she and Danielle prepared for her deployment: “Communication is key, especially prior to deployment. Let your partner know your fears and doubts so you have a chance to be there for each other, hold each other, cry together and have an idea of the upcoming emotional challenges you’ll be facing. Try your best to let go of anger, as it is truly masked sadness. The anger will push you both away.”  Danielle adds “Stay positive. If you feel angry or upset, close your eyes and get in touch with the underlying cause, and express it.  If Lyndsey hasn’t called in a while, my ego gets activated and I just assume that maybe she is starting to forget about me, or doesn’t care as much, or something bad happened. In reality, she is usually just busy. I get myself all worked up by assuming things, so that is really something I try not to do anymore. I try to focus on all of the things I love about her, and how much better life is for me when she’s by my side, and that gets me through the tough times. Lyndsey created a special mixed playlist on my iPod for me. She put over 50 songs that contain loving and reassuring messages for me. I listen to it every day and feel close to her despite being nearly 7,000 miles away.”

AMPA has offered Danielle a place of refuge from the isolation many same-sex military partners and spouses feel. She said, “Not only does AMPA work hard to raise awareness and promote equality for our families, but the members have been so supportive and loving during difficult times. I am honored to be a member and be able to offer that support to other members as well. We really take care of each other like a family and it’s a wonderful thing to be part of.”